


Tried and Truths

by mangojuice



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Civilian Eggsy Unwin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Nurse Eggsy, Pining, Self-Doubt, brief mentions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 03:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15403971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangojuice/pseuds/mangojuice
Summary: “You don’t love me anymore.” Eggsy says, and he doesn’t realise he’s crying until the fat tears roll off his cheeks and land on his hands.“No, I don’t.” His heart feels like it stops beating at Merlin’s words.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh goodness!! Where to start.. First off, thank you to the Mods for organizing this event and having it run so smoothly, and to have it be such a great experience. 
> 
> Thank you to my artist who is amazing and kind and I really enjoyed workin with (even tho I'm bad at responding to emails.. Sorry!!) Their art is gorgeous!!
> 
> And lastly, Thank you so so sososososososo much to my beta Steph. I seriousely don't think this fic would have been half the work it is (or not even completed tbh) without her help. Steph you're amazing thank you <3
> 
> I really hope yall enjoy this, I put a lot of late nights after work into it.

Merlin had been acting differently lately. Reserved, pulling away from Eggsy at the strangest times, keeping things hidden. They’re usually so open with each other, communication important and a problem never sitting between them more than a day or two.

It worries him, how everything will be fine one minute and then Merlin will close off, smile a little tighter and his answers a little shorter, expressions carefully guarded. The moods varied, some days nothing seemed wrong at all, others they could barely speak more than a couple sentences to each other, and it had been going on far longer than any other ‘rough patch’ they’d had before.

Eggsy won’t mention it, he trusts Merlin to come to him about it first, but it still hangs over him the longer he doesn’t.

It’s a Monday, and it’s been weeks since Merlin’s shown the first signs that something might be wrong. Eggsy’s in the kitchen and even though his shift doesn’t start until noon he’s already freshly showered and dressed, water droplets falling from his hair and dampening his t-shirt. He has eggs in a pan and the kettle on the stove when Merlin comes downstairs, glasses in hand. He sits down at the breakfast table and Eggsy brings him his plate, kissing his temple.

“I’m gonna check the mail, okay? Water’s ready whenever you are,” Merlin hums at Eggsy’s words and murmurs a quiet ‘thank you’.

He walks barefoot out onto the porch, reaching into the little mailbox that sits just left of the doorway. Leaning down he scoops up today’s newspaper, tucks it underneath his arm and carries the stack of mail back into the kitchen, swinging the door closed behind him with his leg. A couple of junk mail letters mixed in with their Tesco coupon book almost hide the formal envelope with a wax seal.

It’s addressed to Merlin, so he places it down next to him alongside the morning paper and shoves the rest between the cook books and the wall.

“Fancy envelope, what’s it for?” Eggsy asks. He leans against the counter and picks up the mug of tea Merlins made for him, a spoonful of honey already mixed in and brings it up to his lips, taking a sip.

“Annual ball the tailor shop always hosts this time of year,” Merlin looks it over, takes a bite of his eggs and passes the invitation over to Eggsy.

Eggsy knows about the ball of course, they’ve been together for three years now, having met when he had just gotten out of nursing school. Merlin always went, it was required of him, and Eggsy usually stayed home with JB and Arbuckle (Merlin’s Balinese), snuggled up on the sofa with a pint of ice cream and HGTV. The large scale event was always busy, keeping investors informed and bringing in more people, opening channels.

“My name is on this as well,” He says when he sees ‘Gary Unwin’ printed neatly underneath Merlin’s name.

“Apparently people are demanding to meet the man I’ve been in a relationship with for the past three and a half years.” Something in the way Merlin says it makes him hesitate, the slight annoyance behind the words.

“I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to, love.” He sticks the invite with the rest of the mail. Pushing off the counter he walks across the kitchen, putting his arms over Merlin’s shoulders and grabbing his hands.

“I want to take you, of course I do. It’s just-” He pauses and turns around in his seat, looking up at the man towering over him. Merlin didn’t see his cartoon pug scrubs laid out on the bed this morning, which means he’ll wear the hospitals ugly blue scrubs over his grey undershirt. Merlin prefers his patterned ones.

“What we have is ours. I want to introduce you to my friends, of course I do. But you’ll also have to hang on my arm and introduce yourself to stuffy old men who think coming from generations of old money makes them above you.” He stands up and wraps his arms around him, pulling him into his chest and nuzzling his nose into his hair. “I want to go with you, but you don’t have to. No one has a right to our relationship.” Eggsy nods, taking in the look he has on his face, thinking about the words he’s spoken.

“You’ll be with me, right?” He feels Merlin nod against him. “And we’ll get to dress up?” Another nod. “You’ll dance with me?” A chuckle follows the nod, and Merlin moves his hands up and down his sides. Eggsy pulls back and smiles up at him. “Then I want to go. It’ll be fun. Maybe I’ll give you a hickey so high on your neck you’ll have no choice but for everyone to see it,” He gives a cheeky grin. “No one has a right to our relationship but if they’re so curious, I might as well give them something to talk about.”

“Tart,” Merlin growls, leaning forward and capturing Eggsy’s mouth with his. He nips at his bottom lip and gently sucks on his tongue, pulling a groan out of him. Eggsy reaches up a hand to cup the side of Merlin’s jaw, the other hand splayed on the back of his neck and tugging him impossibly closer.

They stand there, tea going cold and enjoying each other’s company before Merlin will have to pull away and leave for work. It feels normal, and the cloud hanging over Eggsy’s head leaves for just a moment.

Merlin leaves for work minutes later, despite Eggsy’s hands roaming across his ass to try and get him to go in late. The sigh leaves his mouth before he can think to stop it. ‘Keep busy’ he thinks, and puts the dishes in the dishwasher. He cleans the frying pan he used earlier and wipes down the counters, clearing away the tea ring stain his mug had left behind. He rubs his hands dry on the tea towel hanging on the oven handle.

He heads upstairs to the bedroom in search of a pair of socks, finding the striped ones in the back of the drawer. He doesn't have to be into work for another three hours, plenty of time to take JB for a walk and groom Arbuckle a bit. Shedding season is swiftly approaching.

It also gives him plenty of time to think about the Kingsman Investors Ball in four months time. Will they like him? He couldn’t care less what Kingsmans assets thought of him, people who only provided the money aspect and couldn't bother themselves with the other party goers. He wondered what Merlins friends would think of him, people he’d known and worked with for twenty-five plus years.

As much as he’s worried about it, he’s equally as bothered by it. He’s only met Merlin’s best friend Harry a handful of times, brief meetings in passing. Once when he came by to drop of papers for him, twice when Eggsy’s gone to the shop to meet Merlin for lunch. They’ve been together for three years, Merlin has met his family, his friends, everyone close and important to him.

Merlin keeps them separate, Eggsy knows, two different parts of his daily life. It grates at him that he doesn't know why Merlin won’t mix the two. The cloud comes back, and he focuses his attention on brushing through Arbuckles fur.

* / * \ *

“Merlin’s been acting weird,” Eggsy says. He’s leaning against the table where Roxy’s currently writing in a chart, both of them finding a moment to take a break. They’d both been there for hours now, Roxy since early that morning and Eggsy having left the house after JB’s walk and starting his shift sooner than needed.

“How so?” She doesn’t look up from writing, shifting between the pages and medical forms.

“He doesn’t talk to me. He pulls away and he’s been so busy with work lately, I can practically see the weight on his shoulders. I mean, he’s always been the kind to just work until he could barely keep his eyes open but he would leave it at the door when he came home. Now he’s locking himself in his office for days at a time.”

He sounds whiny even to his own ears, and it certainly does make the knot in his belly tighten as he speaks, but he’s really just been worried about Merlin. The man’s been acting so different, pushing himself harder than he should be, and he won’t talk to Eggsy about any of it. A relationship has two people, and he’s harboring the workload that should be carried by both of them.

“Maybe he’s just stressed, like you said. He usually comes to you about these things, right?” Roxy looks up, closing the chart and places her pen back inside her left breast pocket. Her stethoscope rests around her neck, laying just next to the dark blue ‘Dr. Morton’ embroidered on her lab coat

“You two have that whole communication thing on lock, usually people in relationships shut each other out and it’s a whole mess. Give it time, It’ll work out.” Eggsy can only mumble out a ‘yeah I guess’. He feels too exhausted to explain to her why this time he doesn’t think he can just give it time, that it feels like he is being shut out and this whole thing is turning into a mess. That in the days where he hardly sees Merlin, and the moments where he knows his mind isn't there, it feels like he doesn’t have any time at all.

He leans across the table for her hand, giving it a squeeze accompanied with a smile. Roxy’s his best friend, and even though sometimes they don’t quite understand each other, he doesn’t know where he would be without her.

“I’m gonna go check on those brothers that jumped out of the tree together, see if they’re done with x-rays.” She nods and leans back in her chair, resting before her next round or her pager beeps, whichever comes first.

He walks out and down the halls, passing on-call rooms and beds laiden with overnight patients to the ER. Being an ER nurse fit well for Eggsy, he was good with the kids who came through, sometimes with broken bones, sometimes with little sniffles and a high fever, always accompanied by a worried parent. He did well with the families, and when the occasion needed he was able to think on his feet, make decisions in stressful situations.

He passes two beds with the curtains drawn before coming across the older brother (Eggsy thinks he heard his mother call him Hammy when they came in). He’s sitting up, legs swinging over the side and hand cradling an ice pack to his left arm.

“Hey bud! How’d your x-ray go?” Eggsy asks. His mum isn’t sitting in the chair she was in when he left earlier, and he figures she must be with the other boy. Hammy shrugs a little.

“It was okay, but they moved my arm around and it hurt a lot.” He says, barely looking up.

“Hmm yeah, they have to do that to see what’s goin on in your arm,” He pulls over a wheely chair and sits in front of the boy. “Let me just take a quick peek, okay?” He already looked at it earlier, and it’s most likely just a fracture, but he wants to double check that the swelling isn’t getting worse. He keeps his touch as gentle as possible, going slow and making sure the boy knows he can tell Eggsy to stop at anytime and he will.

Pushing the ice pack away a bit he can see the red splotches on his forearm that rest just beneath his elbow. He gently prods it, and sees the boys face scrunch up in pain.

“What is Hammy a nickname for?” He asks as a distraction. He puts the ice pack back in place, leans back and crosses one leg over the other. He lets a gentle smile creep up on his face and the boy smiles back.

“Hammond,” The boy says. He crosses his legs like Eggsy has his.

“You ever seen Top Gear? Bloke on it named Richard Hammond,” Eggsy leans in a bit. “He’s my favorite,” He whispers, like it's a secret that only Hammond can know.

“I wish my mum would call me Hammond. Hammy is a weird nickname, everyone at school thinks so.”

“Not true!” Eggsy wags a finger at him, sitting forward and readjusting when the chair almost slips out from underneath him. “My boyfriends name is Hamish, and sometimes I’ll call him Hammy, too. Mostly because then our nicknames match,” Hammy’s eyes are a bit wide.

“What’s your nickname?”

“Eggsy, so we’re both a breakfast food!” A loud giggle leaves them both, and Hammy doesn’t look nearly in as much pain as before. He checks his watch, Hammy’s brother should be done with his x-rays and he has to get in his last round before he leaves. “Alright, your Mum and brother should be down soon. You’re in good hands and we’re gonna get you fixed right up,” He reaches out and ruffles his hair a bit, shooting him one last smile.

“Do you love your boyfriend?” Eggsy turns back, hand still gripping the curtain in an attempt to close it behind him as he left. “I didn’t know boys could have one.”

“They can if they really want to. I love my boyfriend a lot, even if sometimes he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor and it really annoys me,” Hammy looks a little lost in thought, so Eggsy thinks he can put off his rounds for just a little longer and wait for him to finish.

“There’s this boy in my class, his name is Sebastian” Hammy’s legs start swinging again and Eggsy thinks he can see a little bit of pink color his cheeks. “He doesn’t make fun of my nickname like some of the other kids do, and he pushes me on the swings at recess. Sometimes we’ll sit together and we hold hands and talk.” Eggsy thinks his heart might burst. “Sebastian's really really cute, with freckles, and I think I have a crush on him.” There it is, Eggsy can hear his heart explode from a sweet crush between two little boys.

“He sounds lovely, Hammy. Do you think you’ll tell him?” He stands in the doorway, because he knows if he sits down he won’t get anything done.

“Yeah. Maybe we can be boyfriends now that I know boys can have one,” His legs keep swinging and he looks over at Eggsy. “I want him to be my boyfriend. Do you think he’ll say yes?”

“I think you’ll never know if you don’t try.”

This little determined look comes over his face, his head shakes in a firm nod. “Okay, I’ll try. Maybe I can get Mum to help me make cookies and I’ll give him some. That would be good because everybody loves cookies and if I give Sebastian the cookies then maybe he’ll love me, too!”

Eggsy can’t help the laugh that bursts forward from his lips. “Well you really can’t argue with that logic,” He says. “I’ll go get your Mum and your brother and you can ask her. Good luck with Sebastian.” He’s glad he hadn’t sat down, because he feels his heart yearn to stay, to talk to Hammy and encourage him like he would have loved someone to have done with him at that age. But he has a job to do.

“Thank you, Eggsy.” He almost misses it as he closes the curtain behind him. The words warm his heart.

* / * \ *

It’s just past ten at night when the front door bangs open. He’s sitting in the living room with one of Merlin’s books, JB and Arbuckle curled up by his side. He knew his boyfriend would be home later than usual, he always stayed late on Mondays, so he’d already eaten and packed up the leftover chicken and rice in the fridge.

“Merlin, love? Is that you?” He scooches the pets out of the way and gets up. “I have to tell you ‘bout the cutest thing that happened today,” The smile he had on his face disappears as soon as he sees Merlin standing in the doorway. His eye is black and bruised, swollen nearly shut. His bottom lip is split open and there are tiny cuts littering his chin and cheeks, angry red lines.

“Oh my god, baby. Are you okay?!” Eggsy surges forward, keeping the other man from moving away. He reaches out with his hands to cradle his face, but then thinks that may not be a good idea. Instead, he wraps an arm around his shoulders and guides the beaten up man down the hall to their bathroom. “What happened? Did you get mugged on the way home?” Even though it's a valid question, the bruised blood seems to have settled already. Dried blood has crusted around his cuts and he’ll bet money that his fat lip has had time to shrink.

“Eggsy, I’m fine. The shop got robbed by some thugs, but other than a couple of cuts I’m perfectly okay. The police arrived and I didn’t have time to clean myself up, I came straight home,” Merlin’s talking while Eggsy has already reached for his own first aid kit he keeps underneath the sink. He’ll need to disinfect them, make sure they don’t get worse although he knows they’re minor to begin with. He wonders if checking him over for a concussion will be too much.

“What about a hospital, huh? You didn’t think about getting your face checked out? What if your eye is damaged? You could have traumatic Iritis or hemorrhaging,” Merlin’s eye looks clear, he’ll have swelling and discomfort but he’s fine and Eggsy knows that. It doesn’t ease the worry in his chest at all, and he can’t help but want to make Merlin feel guilty.

“And why didn’t you call me, Merlin? I think everything's fine and you come home and tell me someone’s beaten you up!” He’s got an antiseptic covered q-tip in his hand, running it along Merlin’s cuts as he speaks. He’s probably being a little rougher than he needs to, but in that moment his anger at Merlin overpowers his want to mother hen him.

“I have a hospital standing right in front of me,” Eggsy feels his hands coming up to rest at his waist. He lets out a heavy sigh and throws the bloodied q-tips in the trash. He puts the bruising cream on his finger, leans forward to apply it around Merlin’s eye. “I didn’t call you, because I didn’t want you to worry,” He feels the large hands on his waist tug him closer, giving a gentle squeeze. “I should’ve known not calling would only make it worse.” Eggsy sighs again.

“You’re damn right.” He puts their foreheads together and cups his jaw like he always does.

  
  


He closes his eyes and they sit there, Merlin squeezing his waist and Eggsy breathing through his sudden burst of anger and continued worry. “You came through that door, and you didn’t even look that bad but I was so scared. Next time, just call me. Please,” He kisses him, and even though Merlin’s lip is probably killing him he kisses back.

“I promise that the next time anything happens you will be my first call, love.” He releases one last shuddering breath before nodding.

“Okay. You’re okay, we’re both okay, everything is okay,” Eggsy whispers it to himself, chanting it underneath his breath. It fills him with fear, the fact that Merlin didn’t call but he also can’t help but think why? Merlin always calls, even if nothing has happened he calls. Eggsy can’t think about what it means that he doesn’t any more.

“Okay. You’re okay, we’re both okay, everything is okay,” He repeats again.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything is definitely not okay. It’s only gotten worse between them since that night. Eggsy barely sees Merlin, barely has a conversation with him in the days afterwards, and the silence extends to even after his face has healed. Before it was as if Merlin just had off days, kept things hidden from Eggsy more than he had before. Now, Eggsy barely sees Merlin, staying late at work and locking himself in his office at home. He feels as if he’s lost, wandering around in a silent house that doesn’t quite feel right. An out of body experience that makes him think he’s invaded somebody else’s life.

Their anniversary is in just a few short weeks, and Eggsy’s never dreaded anything more.

It's a Friday night and they both came home earlier than usual, though Merlin had just gone straight up stairs where Eggsy heard the office door slam shut. All he wants to do is curl up with Merlin, order takeout, and have a night where he doesn’t feel utterly invisible.

 _Worth a shot,_ he thinks as he walks up the stairs, stopping at the closed door that leads to Merlin. His hand rests on the doorknob. He waits a minute and then pushes the door open to the back of Merlin’s chair. He doesn’t move when Eggsy walks in, coming to rest right next to him.

“Dinner?” He asks. Merlin moves his head a smidge toward him, still not really looking at him. He sees a little nod, and _god he won’t even speak to me_.

“Indian or thai? We had sushi last week but we could always have it again.” There’s a beat of silence.

“Indian, from the place down the street? The one that has the really good vindaloo.” Eggsy nods, leaning down and placing a lingering kiss on the top of Merlin’s head.

“Okay, love. I’ll order it now so come down in half an hour and it’ll be here.” He turns to the door, brushing a hand against his arm as he walks out. He closes the door and once again stands there, controlling his breathing.

 _He won’t talk to you because he doesn’t trust you anymore,_ a voice seems to whisper in his ear. _He hates you._ He roughly shakes his head back and forth. He knows it's a lie, he knows that his own brain has twisted things around, betrayed him and made him doubt. He knows Merlin loves him and yet…

He takes one last deep breath before going downstairs and calling the indian restaurant down the street.

He busies himself with the house, tidying up the kitchen and making sure the pillows are fluffled in the living room, blankets neatly folded in their basket. He lines up their shoes in the front room, then moves to their breakfast nook. A couple of empty mugs sit on the table, the newspaper Merlin looked at this morning still sitting open, pen markings where he sometimes likes to finish the crossword puzzles.

He clears everything off the table, then flops down into one of the chairs. He presses his fingers to his temples, leaning his elbows on the table and just resting his head in his hands. He feels so drained.

His mind is still drifting off, barely registering the washing machine running in the laundry room, the ticking clock that stands by the door, the gentle patter of paws on the floor. He nearly misses the doorbell ringing, but Merlin’s come downstairs by now and smooths a hand across his back.

“I’ll get it,” He softly whispers, letting Eggsy sit there with his eyes closed a little longer. Merlin lays out the food in front of them, and even though Eggsy really wanted to lay on the couch together and eat, he can’t seem to find it in him to say something. He grabs them a fork and two pairs of chopsticks from the drawer next to the stove.   

Where Merlin immediately tucks into his food, Eggsy only starts to nibble at his curry and rice.  Their conversation in the office was only two minutes, but it’s seemed to have been long enough to burn him out. The self-doubt suddenly taking root in his mind has turned his hopefulness at a nice evening into a bitterness knowing nothing will change. It’s been going on for months now, and he’s so tired.

“Eggsy?” Merlin says his name, startling him out of his thoughts. “Are you alright?” And all of a sudden, he’s angry. He can’t take it anymore.

“We need to talk,” He puts his hardly touched food back on the table, his voice firm and leaving no room to argue. Merlin mimics his movements, placing his own food back down and quirking up a confused eyebrow.

“Okay, what about?” Merlin acting as if he doesn’t know only serves to make the frustration climb higher in his throat. He knows if he opens his mouth right now without taking a moment to think, he’ll yell in the man’s face and say something he’ll regret. So he waits, waits for the overwhelming anger to dwindle down into a twinge.

“It’s about the way you’ve been acting, and the way you’ve been treating me.” His voice still carries the harsh displeasure he feels at the clueless act Merlin’s currently playing at, but he pushes on. “Ignoring me, pretending I’m not here, locking yourself in that damn office upstairs,” They’re leaning closer to each other, and annoyingly it seems as if Merlin’s getting angry at him, too. “We barely spend time together like we used to, I don’t know what’s been going on with you. Ever since the tailor shop got robbed it’s like you can’t trust me anymore!”

“That is not true, and you know it!” Merlin shouts at him. He pushes his chair back with a loud scrape and stands up. Eggsy sees JB scramble from underneath the dining room table and run into the living room. “You know how busy with work I’ve been and how stressed it all makes me.” His voice is indignant, but knowing each other for so long Eggsy can see the anxious lines carved in his forehead.

“How am I supposed to know if you won’t even talk to me! You’re keeping it all in! We’re supposed to be a team, Merlin. We’re together, in a relationship, and that means that we carry our burdens and struggles together. You’ve been so selfish, only thinking about what you’re going through and not thinking about me at all. I was just as shaken up about the robbery as you were, and to push me away like you did is not how we do things.” Merlin’s face is so confusing to Eggsy, the anxiousness he saw before mixed in with anger. There’s something else, something that makes Merlin look scared and heartbroken. He’s going through so many emotions and Eggsy aches with him.

“You don’t trust me. I don’t know why, or even what it is you’re keeping from me but it's something and it’s tearing me up. I’m not demanding you tell me everything, I don't tell you everything either but god you’ve just been shutting me out completely!” When he’s done, his breath is coming in short pants and he can feel the burn at the back of his eyes beginning to build. His body feels weak, and his brain is throbbing along with his heart at how many emotions he’s cycled through in the past few hours. He waits for the man to say something, anything at all.

Merlin lets out a breath through his nose and reaches forward for Eggsy’s arm, guiding him towards the living room, lets him situate them both on the couch. He doesn’t miss the large gap of space that’s been left between them.

“I have been selfish towards you,” He starts and already Eggsy doesn’t like where this is going. It doesn’t sound like the beginning of a conversation that will untangle this mess they’ve found themselves in. It sounds like the beginning of the end. The pressing heat in his eyes only continues to grow

“I’ve been selfish by letting you think that this can go on any longer.” _Oh_. The beginning of the end indeed. “We both know it’s been over for months now.” Eggsy hadn’t known that. Had he? He always thought that they were going through a rough patch, a tiff that had lasted longer than usual but just a tiff nonetheless. Looking back he realises that Merlin’s just been slowly distancing himself.

“You don’t love me anymore.” He says, and he doesn’t realise he’s crying until the fat tears roll off his cheeks and land on his hands, delicately folded in his lap. He sits very still, quiet and processing.

“No, I don’t.” His heart feels like it stops beating at Merlin’s words.

“Have you ever loved me?” His voice is soft, just over a whisper. He doesn’t want to look up, not to the man who’s breaking him into pieces, but he has to know. So he slowly shifts his gaze upwards, looks at the hardened expression he wears. Eggsy can see it, though. The despair peeking through, rested in the swirls of green and brown in his eyes, the tired lines and dark circles.

“No, Eggsy. I don’t think I have.” Deep breaths painfully pushed out of his chest, his throat tightening after each one. _Liar_ , he wants to shout in his face. _You liar! Why would you lie?!_ He can feel the words starting to push against his lips. They get caught, stopping right where his lips are parted, desperate to get air.

 _Merlin is lying_ , but then there’s a vicious part of his mind, the voice cold and screaming it’s own words inside his head.

_He settled for you. He never loved you, he only felt pity. He’s finally realising how worthless you are. You will never be more than a stupid chav, never be more than a boy who stood on a dark corner of Smith Street._

He’s gripping his hair tight, the roaring in his ears is too loud. He can’t hear anything but the vile words the voice is whispering, his brain looping them over and over again. He feels his body start to shake, things feel too tight and not tight enough all at the same time. He can’t sit here any longer. He wants to scream.

His legs are jelly when he stands, his head spinning from the quick action, but he barely pays attention to it as he runs up the stairs. He almost falls at the top, and he violently slaps away the hands that try and help him up. He sprints towards his bedroom door, slams it shut so hard it makes the door frame rattle. Eggsy locks it.

It feels like hours as he stands there, not being able to properly think, properly breathe. Everything is zooming in and out, he’s so dizzy and he can’t process a single thing that’s happening. He feels himself retreating into his own mind, the panic pulsing alongside his still scattered thoughts.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before everything comes back into focus. His bed pressed against his back, the harsh carpet underneath his hands that leave his palms read and indented. He can hear Merlin murmuring something he can’t quite make out. Knowing that Merlin is standing outside the door, that he followed him up here, makes him want to throw up.

Merlin knocks at the door, a quiet sound, but Eggsy doesn’t acknowledge it. His heart throbs, the pain coursing through his body. The voice whispering poisonous thoughts in his head, while not gone completely, has quieted some. It allows him to think, sort through his previous conclusions.

He knows Merlin loved him, maybe not anymore, but he had to at some point. It didn’t make sense that he never had. Merlin knew Eggsy had a soft spot for the fancy chocolates sold in the French cafe across town and he picked a box up once a month. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t love him. Merlin wouldn’t hand feed them to him, knowing that it would make Eggsy’s weight spike but still fully prepared to cuddle up against him, head laid on his stomach and kissing the pudge there, if he didn’t love him.

He wouldn’t give him the smile reserved only for him, kiss him in that sweet but mind blowing way, if he didn’t love him. There was no explanation for it all except that at some point, Merlin loved him. Eggsy once again has the urge to rip open the door and yell _liar!_

Why would Merlin lie? Be so cruel as to throw that he never loved him in his face?

_Because he doesn’t want you anymore. You’re not wanted here anymore._

Eggsy gasps and squeezes his eyes shut, fingers pressed deep against his eyelids. When he opens his eyes again white spots cloud his vision, he blinks them away. He feels restless, heat and discomfort crawling up his hunched back. The sensation reaching the top of his spine is what finally springs him up and into action.

He moves around the room with his bag, grabbing clothes for the night, his charger and his laptop. He collects his toothbrush and shaving kit from the ensuite bathroom and shoves them in one of the bags’ pockets. Nothing else will fit in, not JB’s dog bed, none of his nursing books, none of the pictures he has spread out around the room.

He’ll ask Roxy to pick up his things, he doesn’t know if he has the heart to pack up the evidence of the last nearly four years of his life.

By now Merlin’s gone quiet outside the door, so when Eggsy opens it he isn’t expecting for the man to be leaning against the wall closest to the bedroom, arms limp at his sides and head hanging. He looks up at the sound of the door opening, registers the bag in Eggsy’s hand.

“You can’t go out like this. Stay the night, I’ll leave.” Merlin says. Eggsy’s already started shaking his head before he’s done speaking. He hauls his bag up on his shoulder and brushes past him, heading down the stairs. “Eggsy!” Merlin calls after him.

“I’m leaving.” He says, not turning around from where he’s standing in the living room doorway. He looks around, and he can see himself integrated, all his things mixed in perfectly with Merlin’s. He scoops up JB from the floor and goes to put his shoes on.

“Eggsy, please. This house is more yours than it was mine, stay here.” He can’t stay here. He can’t stay and be reminded of what he could’ve had. But he also feels like if he leaves, it will damage him beyond repair. Everything inside him is confused, pulling in opposite directions and tearing him in two from the inside out.

No, it’s better if he leaves.

“I’ll have Roxy come by and collect my things.” And then, without looking back, he hails a cab and walks away from the only future he’s ever truly wanted.

* / * \ *

Roxy’s over at Merlin’s place the next morning, boxes in her car all ready to be filled. She had come over in the middle of the day, leaving a heartbroken Eggsy laying on her couch, planning to collect his things while Merlin was at work.

That was her plan, until she used Eggsy’s key and found an equally heartbroken Merlin laying inside. He was surrounded by pictures, some of which had been pulled from broken frames that looked as if they had been thrown. Roxy could see that a lot of Eggsy’s things lay around him, too. His gaudy jackets and patterned scrubs, his favorite blankets laid out for Merlin to burrow into. She can see him holding one of Eggsy’s favorite shirts close to his face, eyes closed.

“Hey Merlin.” He opens his eyes, looking startled. He sprung up from his place on the couch, looking around at the Eggsy nest he’s built around himself. Roxy can see the debate in him, to say ‘It’s not what it looks like’ or to just accept that she’s seen him in such a state. Acceptance wins out, his shoulders sagging as he flops back down onto the couch.

“How is he?” Roxy goes to sit next to him, placing her bag on the floor next to her feet. She’s glad she hadn’t brought in any of the moving boxes.

“Heartbroken. Came to my place last night and couldn’t even tell me what happened for a few hours,” Roxy tells him, she won’t sugar coat what Eggsy’s going through. “I know it seems like I’m calm, but I’m just as pissed at you, too.” He lets out a sigh at her words and nods.

“You should be.”

“You took advantage of him.” She says, because he did. “Kingsman will always be more important to you, and I won’t hold it against you. But for you to-” She doesn’t know what she’s trying to say. She’s mad at Merlin, but she also knows where he is.

Roxy had known about Kingsman. Ever since her uncles had come home with gashes as large as her hand and bruises so deep they took weeks to heal she knew. She had seen the toll it took on James and Percival, their marriage strong but still burdened with the fear of leaving and never coming home. She knew it wasn’t the same between Merlin and Eggsy, but both her Uncle’s had known about each other. Eggsy didn’t know, and it was as if Merlin took advantage of that.

“This isn’t any easier for me, just so you know,” His hands cover his face, rubbing at his eyes and his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “I did just push away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” She hums at him.

“If he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, then why did you leave him?”

“Because he deserves someone who won’t lie to him. He deserves someone better.”

Roxy can see the small tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, and she turns away to give him a moment of privacy. Eggsy’s possessions need to be packed up, including his things that are currently scattered around them. The boxes in the back of her car need to be folded and she thinks she might need to make two trips. But for now, she sits next to Merlin, a steady comfort in the background and lets him cry.


	3. Chapter 3

The first day Roxy makes him leave the house for something besides work is absolutely awful. One of the worst days he’s had in the past two weeks since he’s been separated from Merlin. It’s Saturday again, his morning comforted by last nights chicken nuggets he heated back up in the microwave and an unhealthy amount of barbeque sauce.

Roxy had come back from the gym and started making one of the grosser green smoothies she loves. She always tries to get Eggsy to drink the ones that have shots of wheatgrass. Eggsy shudders at the idea.

“You need to get out,” She said over the whirring of the blender. It stops and he sees her toss in a banana and a handful of kale leaves. “Get some fresh air. Go to the gym, hang out like a creepy old man at the grocery store. I don’t know but you need to do something,” The blender pulses a few times and then she pours it all into a glass. She gives a very pointed look at the plate littered with crumbs and two large piles of sauce.

“I did go out. I went to work yesterday, picked up Micky D’s and came back to lay on your couch.” He grins up at her and she gives another pointed look and lets out a deep sigh.

Which is exactly why he finds himself walking ten blocks to the gym, planning to spend the afternoon there. Curse Roxy, with her mother hen tendances and burning stares. The bag he slung over his back is sticking just a bit from the spring heat wave and now he thinks it may have been a bad idea to wear his tightest pair of black gym leggings.

He opens the gym door and the blast of cool air from the air conditioning is a relief. It doesn’t take him long to get done with his 30 minutes of cardio and wander over to the large open weight room. It’s that time in the afternoon that nowhere is busy, and there’s a lull between the crowds of people so he only sees a handful of stragglers. He’s walking towards the free weights and nearly trips over himself and face plants when he sees who’s been hiding just out of view.

Merlin has his back to him, hanging from a bar with a resistance band tucked around his leg and doing pull ups.

What is he even doing here? Merlin always spends Saturday mornings at the gym, so why is he currently going through his workout plan at four in the afternoon?

It’s the first time he’s seen the man since that night and he can’t breathe for a second. It’s not too late, he thinks. Merlin hasn’t seen him yet, he has a good chance of turning around and leaving without having to deal with the encounter that’s bound to follow.

But alas, Eggsy has never been that lucky, and Merlin sets himself back on the ground, red faced and sweaty. Merlin sees him in the long mirror that covers the back wall, reflecting the entire gym along with Eggsy’s scared and helpless expression. He turns so they’re face to face and he sees the pain mixed in with the pity. Merlin gives him this smile that makes him feel pathetic and then turns away, walking towards the opposite side of the weight room.

It’s worse than if he had come and actually spoken to Eggsy. The air punches out of his lungs and he turns to run back to the locker room. He doesn’t even know what happened when he suddenly finds himself opening the door to Roxy’s house. He can’t remember leaving the gym or the past twenty minutes it probably took him to walk back.  His vision blurs but he makes it to the couch before his knees give out, laying on his side with his shoes still on.

“Eggsy? Everything okay?” Roxy calls from down the hall. She’s probably getting ready to go out for dinner. He remembers her telling him she was going out with James and Percival.

“Fine Rox,” He shouts back, even though he feels anything but. “Gym tired me out is all.” He rubs across his eyes, clearing away the tears and rolls onto his back.

“I’m just fine,” He whispers to himself. “I saw Merlin, and although I’m pretty sure I’m going to bawl tonight, overall I’m okay.” He watches the ceiling fan spin in circles above him. “Perfectly fine.”

*  / * \ *

He keeps seeing him after that.

It doesn’t matter that he tries his hardest to avoid Merlin. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t go to the gym on Saturday’s anymore, Merlin somehow always manages to walk in as Eggsy’s walking out during the week. It doesn’t matter that he goes to the grocery store at different times, avoiding the early morning when he knows Merlin likes to go, because he’ll see him in the bread aisle as he walks towards the bakery. He even stops going to his favorite pub and somehow still manages to walk into the one across town and see Merlin with Harry drinking a pint of Guinness.

There’s really only one thing he hasn’t changed. He takes the same route to work, the one that’s two minutes longer but takes him right by the tailor shop on Saville Row. It’s strangely the only time he doesn’t accidentally see the man.

It’s been days of them accidentally running into each other, and it’s too much of a coincidence that he feels almost as if someone is telling Merlin when he leaves the house.

Yesterday he saw him on his way home from visiting his mum and Daisy. The day before he saw him late at night at the gas station on the corner, three packs of butterscotch disks in hand. The urge to tease him about the sweets is overwhelming (and the realisation that he doesn’t get to do that anymore is crushing.)

Today he sees him walking out of the tea shop halfway between the house and the shop that he loves. Any other time he would just pass him, go home and cry about it to Roxy, and then dread, but a tiny part looking forward, to the next time they would see each other. He can’t bring himself to follow the same steps when he sees the dark bruises littered against his bare arms. There are more along his neck and a few cuts that crawl up across one side of his face and stop at his right temple.

“Oh my god Merlin,” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop the words. They stop in front of each other and the mans cut face remains neutral. Eggsy has come to absolutely hate the expression. “What happened?”

“I’m fine Eggsy. I was just in a fender bender and a car passing by broke the cab window. The glass cut me but I’m fine,” He gives him a tight and uncomfortable smile. Eggsy doesn’t know if he believes him. The trail of cuts is centered around one area, nothing like what a normal spray of glass would do. The bruises he has on his arms are a little too familiar in shape, reminding him of Dean’s hands gripping and punching. His answer sounds rehearsed and Eggsy has a flashing memory of a beat up Merlin stumbling through his doorway. He isn’t sure if he believes him and not for the first time he reminds himself he has no right to press the matter. But seeing Merlin this way makes Eggsy want to clutch the man to him, ask him a million questions and demand answers as he softly kisses his marred skin. Every time he remembers that Merlin isn’t his anymore causes his heart to stutter.

Merlin knows just as much as he does that he can’t say anything else. He doesn’t wait a moment more before pushing past Eggsy and continuing his trek to the shop. Home- no. The house is the other way. It’s apparently another late work night and it only makes his worry build.

And yet it continues.

They don’t stop accidentally seeing each other, and their usual encounters don’t change. Always the silent look, sometimes the weird pained smile Merlin will send his way, walking the opposite direction away from each other. It’s the same, but now Eggsy notices him even more. He notices how the bruises fade only for new ones to show up, the day old ones barely becoming yellow before there’s another cluster of purple.

After his face heals his injuries are more discreet, only visible when Merlin’s sleeves shift up, when his shirt rides up across his stomach. Days that make it clear summer is on the horizon and there’s no choice but for Merlin to roll up the sleeves of his shirts or wear short sleeves. Eggsy knows they’re there and it’s hard for him to ignore.

Although their interactions remain almost the same, Eggsy will occasionally corner Merlin. In the grocery store he had stood by the fruits and vegetable and asked him why his torso was littered with finger shaped bruises and all he got was a “leave it, Eggsy.”

He catches him again coming out of the pub by himself, notices the large bandage that wraps itself around Merlin’s forearm. The blood has seeped through the thick material and Eggsy grabs his shoulder to stop him. Merlin hissed in pain as he turned around, Eggsy quickly pulled his hand back.

“What happened to your arm?” He doesn’t expect to get the truth.

“Nothing. Stop talking to me, Eggsy.” He’s left there as Merlin walks away. Two days go by and the bandage is still there, but the bruises have finally healed. There doesn’t seem to be any new ones and though he knows it’s still very far from alright he thinks he can breathe a sigh of relief, that this sudden onslaught of injuries is over.

His moment of relief is squashed when he sees more bandages on the opposite arm on a particularly hot day. They’re walking on opposite sides of the street when Eggsy catches sight of him out of the corner of his eye. He’s wearing a tight short sleeve shirt and a pair of loose pants that stop just above his ankle. Eggsy sees the way he limps when he walks. He can’t take it anymore and crosses the street, heading straight for him. He presses up against Merlin’s side and guides him to an empty alleyway between the antiques shop and a pottery studio.

“Merlin what the fuck is going on. This isn’t normal and I’m worried about you.” Eggsy says. Merlin’s shuffled back from him, crossed his arms in front of is chest (although Eggsy saw him grimace at the movement.)

“Eggsy I told you to leave it.”

“Yeah well I can’t. Are you in some kind of trouble?” He whispers the last bit, looking towards the street to make sure they’re still alone.

“What?” He’s gaping at Eggsy’s question. “No! I’m not in trouble, not really.” He limps past him but Eggsy turns and stops him, gently moving his shoulder so they’re face to face once more.

“Merlin it’s okay if you are. Please just be honest with me.” He’s on edge waiting for Merlin’s answer and he can’t help but feel anxious. He’s scared of what he’ll say.

“Even if I was, which I’m not, I don’t see how that’s any of your business. I thought my breaking up with you would be a clear sign that I didn’t want you in my life but apparently you don’t know when to quit.” It’s a slap to the face. Eggsy reels back and this time when Merlin pulls away he lets him walk back out onto the street and get lost within the crowd of people.

* / * \ *

Eggsy stops going out. He comes home straight from work and stays inside the house. Cleaning, doing laundry, catching up on the books he hadn’t had time to read. He bakes a lot. Cookies that remind him of past moments of bliss. It seems that lots of things remind him of what could have been.

Their four year anniversary comes and goes. Eggsy picks up an extra shift at the hospital so he doesn’t have time to think about it. It’s over by the time he gets back to Roxy’s house anyway.

Eggsy highlights apartment listings in The Sun, makes a few appointments to see a couple that are close to the hospital. He finds a tiny place that’s a little out of the way, sits in a more quiet part of town. The commute to work is longer but it’s worth it for the peace he finds there. The bustle of the city doesn’t seem so harsh when he stands on the porch steps, green grass in front of him and warm yellow sun beating down.

He’s moving on. Moving forward.

Roxy, who Eggsy is so grateful for her and her comfort, helps him drag all his boxes from her house to his new place. He puts all the boxes in their respective rooms and they slowly unpack his life. Seeing it come alive after months of being tucked away gives him comfort, knowing that he has control over something. Eggsy picked up some secondhand furniture and he actually really loves how each piece doesn’t quite match. He had tried to make his new place look nice, and though the living room set is different colors but all the same size and his bedroom set is all the same color but different sizes, it feels cozy and comforting.

He doesn’t know if it’s home yet, but he’s confident that given some time it’ll come pretty damn close.

They take a break from filling Eggsy’s closet to eat some lunch. Eggsy had ordered a pizza, he really needs to go grocery shopping.

“So,” Roxy starts, dragging out the syllables a little longer and already he knows it’s not going to be good. She takes another bite and a string of cheese gets caught on the corner of her mouth. “You know how my uncles James and Percival work with Merlin?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“Well you know about the ball they hold at the end of summer. It’s to keep investors informed and involved but it’s also something that a lot of people who work on Saville Row look forward to despite the socialites. My Uncles always manage to get shit faced and sneak off for a quickie in the bathroom.” Her nose scrunches up a tiny bit at the thought. She pauses and Eggsy puts his piece of pizza down, waiting for her to speak again. “And I was kind of hoping that you might go with me.”

“Are you takin the piss?” He asks. His arms are crossed and he’s leaning against the counter looking up at her. “You know that Merlin goes to that event every year, it’s mandatory for him, and you want me to go to the one place where he’s guaranteed to be?”

There’s a pause and then Roxy says, “Yes.” Eggsy can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Absolutely not,” He says. “You’re crazy.”

“Eggsy please. You can’t let him rule your life.” He stops and thinks about her words. Part of him wants to play the defensive, pull back and tell her that he isn’t, but he knows that on some level she’s right. Merlin was the focus of his life for years, and he’s suddenly been ripped away from him. The thought brings back the familiar sickness in his stomach. He’s supposed to be _moving on, goddammit_.

“Look,” Roxy starts, “Don’t think I’m not saying that you not being over him is a bad thing. Truth be told you’re handling this a lot better than I would be.” She pushes away from the counter and goes to stand in front of him. “I just mean that I think it would be nice for you to take some control. Please, go to a fancy party with me, we’ll dress to the nines and drink way too much champagne. We’ll come home afterwards and I’ll let you cry into a tub of pistachio ice cream and fall asleep on my shoulder.” As if to prove her point she crowds in close, her arms reaching for his head and pulling him to lean against her shoulder. He chuckles, feeling the broad smile she has on her face.

“Okay, I’ll go.” He says. Roxy squeals in his ear and he jerks away at the volume. She apologizes with barely a breath and immediately starts talking about how excited she is, and even though Eggsy was reluctant in the beginning, his best friends energy is contagious and he can’t help but grin and join in.

Roxy’s right. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something for himself, he shouldn’t let himself be ruled by a person who doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Merlin had made it abundantly clear the last time they spoke that he wasn’t wanted by him, so what was the harm in enjoying an evening out with his best friend? I mean really, what could go wrong?


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snapshot of Merlin's side of the story

Eggsy had gone to bed, the sudden crying he had done from seeing Merlin walk through the door all bruised tiring him out. Merlin had told him he would be right up but it's been two hours and he’s still sitting in his office chair, hunched over his desk. He had peaked into the room earlier and checked on him, watched his relaxed face and the slow rise and fall of his chest. Inexplicably, it made Merlin’s heart clench. 

There was no way he would have been able to come home without injury. He had spent months cultivating his background as a weak link, a desk jockey who yearned for more. Underappreciated and easy to squeeze. The gang was tight-knit, so he’d had to find a way to pass through the lower ranks in order to reach the people who even knew the names of the people they were working for.

It had been hard work, finally coming to a head at his first contact with Angel. He was a known drug lord in the estates, working in part with a big drug dispensary that Merlin still had no information on. A big operation that had a dealer on every other corner of the block. They had managed to fly under the radar long enough that it seemed that the range of people Angel knew were never ending. It was unquestionable that the roots of this gang were deep-seated and spanned across the entire forest floor, but the attention to detail required for the job was nonetheless perfectly suited for Merlin. He would have to be careful though, remember to be purposeful about his every move in order to keep the upper hand. 

Angel had been flanked by two large men when he arrived. They were taller than Merlin himself and wearing dark glasses and tight t-shirts. Merlin thought they had looked like they walked straight off the set of an 80s buddy cop movie, bulging muscles and a lack of brains to match. While they looked like walking cliches, Merlin knew they weren’t there simply for show.  There was no doubt in his mind that he’d have to let them get in a few good punches before Angel was satisfied with the message he was trying to send.

_ Cross us and there will be severe consequences.   _

Merlin almost wished he had blown his cover when he walked in and saw the panic on Eggsy’s face. He kept his calm front, reassuring Eggsy that it was nothing, making full use of his training. Now that his lover was sleeping however, he allowed himself to think about what this meant. Eggsy wasn’t safe, not anymore. It had always been dangerous, Merlin being involved with him, and there had been a couple of close calls. Usually they were enemies of Kingsman who had caught wind of Eggsy’s existence and his relationship with Merlin and knew just a little too much for his liking. He had always taken care of it before but suddenly being thrown into such a dangerous mission that has turned out to be bigger than he could have imagined, has forced him to face a grim reality.

He had been lying to himself for too long, desperately thinking he could have both. 

It was going to get Eggsy killed. Merlin would sooner die than let that happen. He thinks he’ll die if he has to break up with the love of his life. 

But he has no choice, active field duty has shown him that. He can’t put Eggsy through the constant turmoil it would bring, forcing him to worry about him and having to make excuse after excuse. He’ll constantly be lying and he refuses to reduce their relationship to slander and deceit. 

No, Eggsy deserves better than that. Deserves better than Merlin. Eggsy is the kindest soul he has ever met, filled with light and joy. He pushes Merlin to be better, to be the best version of himself. Merlin’s never been able to do that for him, and especially now. This will only make it worse, and all he’ll do is drag him down so far down he won’t be able to climb back up.

He loves Eggsy too much to make him stay. 

~

Merlin’s just closed the door behind Roxy, every sign of Eggsy stripped from the house and neatly tucked into the boot of her car, when not two minutes later there’s a brief knock on the door. He doesn’t bother to get up from where he’s slumped on the kitchen table, bottle of scotch in front of him. He knows who it is. 

He hears the heels of Harry’s shoes against the wood floor and then the marble as he comes to sit in front of Merlin. He reaches forward and pours them both a few fingers each. 

“You idiot,” Harry says. 

“I just pushed out everything that’s ever meant something to me with my own two hands.” He replies. He brings the tumbler up to his mouth and tosses half of it down his throat. He revels in the slight burn. “A little sympathy would be nice.” 

“You tore that boys heart out and for what? Because of your own insecurities?” Harry’s voice has started to take on a harsh tone, his words biting. Merlin feels the fight inside him brewing, he knows the same is happening to Harry. This is how they are, how they’ve always been, how they always will be. 

“He wasn’t safe with me anymore. You know damn well it was the right thing to do,” He doesn't bother to hold back, immediately shouting the words at his best friend. He pours himself another two fingers and makes to once again throw the liquor down his throat. Harry snatches it out of his hand at the last second, taking the drink for himself. 

“What’s to say that there isn’t someone after him right now? Maybe he’s getting kidnapped right now and you would never know it.” He slams the tumbler back down on the table. “He wasn’t just safer with you, he was happier. You were, too, you know. I hadn’t seen you so eager to go home in over ten years.” Harry has a fond smile now. Merlin doesn’t know what to think. “Suddenly this twenty-three year old kid walks into your life and everything’s different with you.”

“He brought out the best in me. He always has,” He voices his thoughts to Harry. “But it’s over now and we’re back to reality.” Harry frowns at him but doesn’t say anything else. 

Harry leaves soon after. Merlin stays collapsed over the table. 

~

The beatings are getting harder to hide. There’s only so much misdirection he can throw before he’ll have to give the dogs a bone. Apparently they’re still hungry for more, because they had no qualms in grabbing Merlin by his arms and slashing and ripping into him. He’s ready for the undercover mission to be over. He wants to wallow in peace, grieve everything he’s lost. Angel isn’t a very patient man, the fact that Merlin has kept it going this long is nothing short of a miracle and he’s cutting it close. 

It’s getting worse. Eggsy’s starting to notice his injuries. He’s managed to give some half formed excuses here and there but he knows that Eggsy doesn’t believe him, not anymore. There’s the time he left the bar after meeting Harry, some particularly nasty bruises marring his skin. His shoulder was aching from where one of Angel’s goons had slammed a chair over him. Eggsy had reached for him and the pain was white hot across his chest and back, the pain making him flinch away from Eggsy’s touch.

“What happened to your arm?” He curls in on himself at Eggsy’s words. 

“Nothing. Stop talking to me, Eggsy.” He spits out at him, quickly walking away.

Then there’s the time Eggsy had caught him right after another spontaneous meeting with Angel. The cut on his back bleeds thick, dark red blood. His whole body feels sore. He knows that he’s already begun walking with a limp and it’ll only get worse in the coming days.  They shove him out the door of the boarded up building on the wrong side of town onto the sidewalk. They’re not far behind and he’ll have to circle around to the shop before going to the safe house, he can’t risk letting them know where he sleeps. He can’t bring himself to mind. It keeps him from going back to a house that no longer feels like a home.

He can still hear the sound of Angel’s grating laughter behind the door when he spots Eggsy heading straight for him. He looks determined and Merlin starts to panic. If Eggsy confronts him in front of the leaders there’s no telling what they’ll do. What he’ll have to do. This mission is important, but certainly not more important than Eggsy. If he has to make a decision he knows what he’ll choose.

He’ll have to tell Eggsy. The thought makes his stomach turn. There had been close calls before, enemies of Merlin and Kingsman that have found out just a bit too much about his home life, men who knew too much information about his lover and wouldn’t hesitate to use it against him. Eggsy had never known about his true job then and it pains him just thinking about what could happen if he knew. 

“Merlin!” They can’t be seen interacting. It’s far too dangerous for the both of them. He’s in front of him now and crowding in too close. He has no choice. He sprints forward with his arms out and pushes Eggsy to the ground. 

“Get the fuck away from me!” He shouts, watching as Eggsy’s body slams against the concrete, rolling roughly onto his side. Merlin can see that his hands are scraped raw and that there’s a huge tear in his jeans. He looks up at Merlin with shock and hurt  clouding his face. He storms past him, leaving Eggsy dazed on the ground. 

~

Merlin almost can’t believe that the missions over. It was anti-climatic in the end, just a few well placed documents, people in the right places at the right time and a gentle push from Merlin, ending with Angel and his followers in custody. The amount of evidence piled against them is too much for them to cut a deal, even with their influence in the system. 

He feels cheated, not being able to end it with a dramatic shoot out, some way for him to show his true self, far from this weak and vulnerable persona he had been wearing as a second skin for too long. Lately it had been hitting just a little too close to home. A court case feels too easy, a vanilla ending to a gruesome story. 

At least now his body can take time it needs to heal, recuperate from the massive amounts of physical and emotional damage he’s been experiencing these past couple of months. He’ll have some time to focus on himself, on moving forward with his life that is once again lonely. It’s the absolute last thing he wants to do. He wants warm smiles and cold toes against his calves in the morning as soon as he wakes up. He wants to hear singing in the shower and the high pitched coos over how cute JB and Arbuckle are. He doesn’t want to go back to his life before Eggsy.

Merlin’s sitting at the breakfast table in the corner of the kitchen when he hears the tell tale signs of heels clacking against the floor. He barely picks his head up to look at Harry as he sits down across from him. He’s got the same scotch and two tumblers he had the last time they had been in this position. 

“It’s over now,” He says. He puts the tumblers down on the table and uses a heavy hand to pour them each a glass. “You can finally grow a pair and get back together with Eggsy.” Merlin scoffs at his words. He reaches forward and curls a hand around his drink, closing his eyes. 

“We went over this Harry,” He brings the tumbler up to his mouth and takes a sip. He resists the urge to let the whole glass slide down his throat. “It’s better this way.”

“Bullshit!” Harry yells. “That boy is miserable and broken. You’ve broken him Merlin!” He flinches away at Harry’s words. 

“How do you know? As far as I’m concerned he’s moved on, happily living his life now that he doesn’t have me to burden himself with. It doesn’t matter, even if I really was just an IT nerd working for a tailor shop on Savile Row this was always how it was going to end.” He won’t yell, his voice a whisper. If he speaks any louder Harry will pick up on how his voice shakes with the weight of his words. He feels his face start to grow hot and the pressure behind his eyes build. 

“God you really are one stupid, stubborn, bastard,” Harry says in response. “You two were never better than when you were together. You balanced each other out, gave each other comfort and safety. You’re a good man Merlin, but Eggsy made you a great one. And you did the same for him.” It had been quiet in the kitchen before, but now it stretches on, covers over them like a heavy fog. Two shadows standing across from one other. 

“Listen Merlin,” He turns to look at Harry. “Eggsy’s still going to the ball, he’s going with Roxy. I really think that you should at least talk to him. Things have settled some.” Merlin narrows his eyes at him, suspicion growing. 

“How do you know he’s still going?” He fidgets and Merlin only leans in closer. “Harry. How. Did. You. Know?” He slowly enunciates each word, barely restraining himself from leaning forward and placing an iron grip on Harry’s arm.

“Well someone had to look out for him and you certainly weren’t going to!” 

“Jesus, Harry!”

“Me stalking your ex boyfriend is besides the point! My point is,” Harry lets out a quiet, frustrated groan. Merlin makes a similar noise in the back of his throat. “My point is that you both deserve to be happy, and it’s sad that you both don’t think you do.” Merlin lets out a deep breath through his nose. 

“You’re a good friend, Harry.” He leans in for a hug and while it’s not something they usually do (their prefered method of contact is a punch to the face), Harry returns the sentiment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter!
> 
> Beta'd shortly after posting (7/31/18) by my savior Steph!!
> 
> If I'm honest I have some more plans for this version of our boys so be on the lookout for an epilogue and some timestamps coming soon..

“Eggsy lets go! We’re gonna be late!” Roxy’s voice yells up the stairs at him. She had banged on his door thirty minutes ago, showing up in a gorgeous floor length dress. The black frills of the dress started at her waist and went up to wrap around her shoulder, the material in between a see-through mesh with stars sown into the fabric. It cinched at her waist, flaring out slightly. When she walked, Eggsy could see the bright red heels she wore, shiny like satin. She looked beautiful. 

Eggsy, however, had answered the door with his shirt untucked, pants slipping down his hips because he couldn’t find his belt. He only had one cufflink on and his hair was sticking up from the blowdryer he went over it with. 

“Um, hi. Give me ten minutes and we can go.” He had said, ushering her inside, shutting the door. She stayed in the foyer, hair piled high on her head and sparkly earrings clipped to her ears. He’d gone up to finish getting dressed, leaning down to find his belt resting underneath the bed. His left cufflink was still sitting on his dresser. As quickly as he could he started putting the final pieces together, coming to stand in front of the mirror for a final once over. He fixed his sleeves, watching his reflection move. 

It had taken him a lot longer to get ready than he normally would have. He couldn’t help but be extremely nervous at the prospect of seeing Merlin at the ball. Would it be awkward? Circling around each other and staring at each other across the room? Or would it not even matter, ignoring the other for the whole night.  Would Merlin even care that he was there? It made sense, that Eggsy would be the only one pining, aware of Merlin’s every move. He was the one who cared the most after all. Merlin hadn’t shown any interest since the break up, taking every opportunity to push Eggsy further away. 

“Eggsy! Come on!” Roxy’s shouting pulls him from his thoughts. No, he won’t worry about Merlin tonight. He will have a good time with his best friend. Worst comes to worst, he’ll have to pick up a tub of ice cream before coming home. 

He walks down the stairs, greeting her with a smile and turning so she can get the full effect. She whistles and he laughs. 

“Gorgeous as always, Eggsy. You ready?” 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He finishes tying up his shoes, then opens the door for her. He locks it behind him and guides her to the car, opening the door for her as any good gentlemen would. The car ride is filled with idle chatter, casual conversations on how the hospital is doing, how Daisy and his mum is. Roxy keeps smoothing down the lines of her dress, keeping it from holding a wrinkle. 

Their driver drops them off at the front and all of a sudden Eggsy isn’t nervous about just Merlin anymore. The large wooden doors have been pushed open, light spilling out into the night. He can hear faint music and the building’s detailed exterior looks soft in the evening night. A wave of insecurity washes over him. 

It’s only made worse by the fact that as soon as he walks in, Roxy having looped her arm through his, he sees Merlin on the other side of the room.  He’s wearing his kilt for the occasion, the dark green and blue tartan matching perfectly with his black sporran, the white fur tassels swinging gently when he moves. His Prince Charlie jacket is tight across his back, gold buckles shiny. He’s forgone any military background, leaving his medals and military tartan for a traditionally formal kilt ensemble. He’s breathtakingly handsome. 

He sticks close to Roxy, following her as she scans the room for James and Percival. Eggsy can’t help but keep glancing over to where Merlin is standing with Harry. Roxy must spot her uncles however because he’s suddenly tugged in the opposite direction, eyes forward he sees the two men huddled in close together, backs to them and ordering drinks at the bar. An open bar, Eggsy wouldn’t know how to last the night without it. They turn and he sees their eyes light up when they spot Roxy. 

“Roxanne!” They each rush forward, taking turns to give her a tight hug, a kiss on the cheek, and to compliment her on how beautiful she looks tonight. 

“James, Percival, this is Eggsy. He works as an ER nurse at the hospital with me,” Eggsy gives a shy smile at her words. He leans forward, his arm stretched out to shake their hands. 

“It’s lovely to meet you,” He says. They stand there for a few minutes, once again exchanging idle chatter. Percival and James had gotten their drinks and shortly after Eggsy ordered two more for him and Roxy. They sip at them, occasionally moving out of the way of people who are also taking full advantage of the open bar. 

It’s been ten minutes and he’s just been keeping to the background, listening in on Roxy tell her uncles about how her shifts at the hospital are going and the latest and most exciting case to come through the ER. He takes another sip of his martini and suddenly feels a heavy set of eyes on his back, the sensation crawling up the nape of his neck. He rubs his hand across the burn and turns, catching Harry looking his way, standing in a corner with Merlin turned away. It always seems like Merlin’s turned away from him nowadays. Harry doesn’t bother averting his eyes. 

The feeling of eyes doesn’t go away when he turns back around. He glances again and Harry’s still looking his way. He scans the room for something to do other than focus on Roxy and Harry. He doubles back when he sees the man walking towards him, headed straight for him and moving with a purpose. The man gives Eggsy a bright smile and he ducks his head away in return. 

“Hi, um.” The stranger stutters out as soon as he reaches Eggsy. He smiles again. “Hi. I’m Randall, but everyone calls me Randy.” He smiles back at Randy and shakes his hand, giving him his name. 

“Eggy?” He asks, confusion crawling slowly over his face.

“No, Eggsy. It’s a nickname, innit?” Randy laughs. “Yes, well I suppose it is.” He glances behind Eggsy and he follows Randy’s quick gaze. 

“You’ve come along with Roxy, have you? I didn’t know she was seeing anyone.” Eggsy lets out a bark of a laugh at that. 

“No, we’re just mates.” Randy gives a nod and a quiet ‘Ah’ in acknowledgement.

“Then she wouldn’t mind if I took you for a spin out on the dance floor?” Eggsy’s a little taken aback by the question. He hadn’t planned to be social tonight, he mostly was going to shower Roxy in compliments and drink his weight in champagne. But Randy is sweet and has pink, rosy cheeks that Eggsy can’t help but find just a bit endearing. He can still feel eyes on the back of his head, and he tells himself that he’s not going to dance with Randy because Merlin is watching him.  

“Lead the way,” He says. He only feels a little guilty at Randy’s bright smile, his arm reaching out and hooking Eggsy gently around the waist. He lets himself be lead to the dance floor and eases into the sway of the music, moves his hips in sync with Randy’s. 

The body pressed against his is warm and strong, but it doesn’t feel right. His hips are too wide and his shoulders just a bit too square, thick thighs where long narrow legs should be. Soft hair tickles his cheek where there should be a nose nuzzling his forehead. It feels wrong. 

He thinks about what it could have been like, if the last four months hadn’t happened. Merlin’s hands would roam up and down his sides, he’d whisper about all the potential rooms they could use to sneak away together and Eggsy would reply that they couldn’t but that Merlin in a kilt wasn’t helping them one bit. He wonders if Merlin would finally introduce him to his coworkers, his friends, introduce him to this elite sphere he kept away from their daily life. If he’ll ever have a proper conversation with Harry. He knows the aristocrats would have stared further down their noses at him than they already are. Eggsy wishes he still had something to rub in their faces. 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” He pulls himself out of his thoughts as the man in front of him speaks. At least one song has passed already, Randy’s swaying them a beat too fast. 

Eggsy tries for a smile. “I-” 

“Mind if I cut in?” Eggsy doesn’t get to finish. Merlin’s standing next to them, walking to the middle of the dance floor to reach the two men wrapped around each other. Eggsy’s knee jerk response is to say no, to continue to dance in the small bubble of peace and daydream he’s created. Then he looks at Merlin, really looks, and he looks so earnest, so anxious, like he’s expecting Eggsy to reject him. Eggsy thinks it may be a bad idea if he doesn’t. 

He looks at Randy. He must see the hesitation there because bless him, he lays a soft kiss on Eggsy’s cheek and takes a step back. 

“Merlin,” Randy addresses him, smile once again gracing his face. They exchange a nod and he turns to leave. In the blink of an eye he’s swept back up in a different pair of arms and this time he falls into them all too easily, gripping onto a bicep and a hip. Their bodies slot together just right. The song slows down and all that's left for them to do is move around the dance floor, pressed against each other. Eggsy hasn’t felt this at home in months. 

But as much as he feels at home here in Merlin’s arms, he can’t help but once again notice the gazes that he’s been receiving ever since he walked onto the dance floor, and he doesn't mean the ones coming from Harry. He takes a quick glance around and sees that now that Merlin’s taken him into his arms the stares have only gotten worse, men leaning over and whispering unknown words to each other. 

“They’re staring at me Merlin.” Eggsy tries to pull away but Merlin only grips on to his waist a little tighter. “Let go,” Eggsy whispers again.

“Why shouldn’t they when you look this radiant?” Merlin spins them in a slow circle, swaying their bodies close together.  Eggsy blushes at his words. 

“Merlin I’m pretty sure I just saw that guys nose twitch in disdain at me,” Merlin’s still spinning them. 

“Ah, but young Randall is positively salivating over you.” He has this sad smile on his face as he says it, like it’s something he desperately doesn’t want to confess. Eggsy tries for his own smile. 

“Maybe he’s having an allergic reaction? I saw some cheese hors d’oeuvres pass by. He might be lactose intolerant.”

“No, Eggsy he’s definitely eyeing how delicious your arse looks in those pants.” Merlin says it with a straight face. Somewhere between a laugh and a choke bursts out from between Eggsy’s lips. 

It takes him a moment to respond, because all he can think about is how much he’s missed this. How much he’s missed this casual flirting between them, the banter they threw back and forth. How easily Merlin made him laugh, how warm he made his heart. Sometimes he would just look at him and Eggsy’s heart would fill with so much love that it felt as if it was going to burst and spill out of his chest. Now, it’s almost as if he can feel a physical hole where the organ had been. Ever since that night it had felt like someone had reached into his chest cavity and scooped everything out. It had subsided some since he’d moved to the outside of the city, but now it was back in full force at the sight of Merlin. 

“With good reason! It took awhile for me to get my arse to look this good, guv. Maybe I should give him a show,” As soon as Eggsy says it he knows it’s the wrong thing. If things were different, if there wasn’t an entire chasm between them, Merlin would have laughed at Eggsy’s words. He would have pulled him possessively closer and growled a joke about the both of them putting on a show for more than just Randy. 

Instead, Merlin’s face closes off, his eyes pained and his mouth tight. Eggsy can feel the tension in his body return, every muscle seizing up at Eggsy’s words. He regrets even thinking them. 

“Merlin I’m sorry,” He says. He hopes the sincerity of his apology is known. Merlin’s head ducks down. 

“Eggsy I have no reason to be upset. I was the one who let you go after all.” It’s in the way he says it, Eggsy thinks, that sets him off. Suddenly he feels so angry and yet so destroyed, all in one. Because Merlin was the one who let him go, had shoved him away with hateful words and cutting silence. Here he was, looking rejected and sorrow creasing his face. He had no right, he had no claim to the same pain that Eggsy was feeling in his chest, the same empty and scooped out feeling he had been harboring ever since the “I don’t love you” had slipped out between Merlins lips. 

Eggsy all of the sudden couldn’t breathe, the same spinning feeling overwhelming him like it had that night he couldn’t stop thinking about. 

“You have no right,” Eggsy voices his thoughts. “You don’t get to sit here, and pretend like you’re absolutely falling apart at the seams like I am. Pretend like you give a single damn about how you let me go, how you left me behind.” He spits his words like venom. He rips himself away from Merlin.

“You don’t give a shit about my feelings anymore, and you don’t have a claim to them. I’m done letting you make me feel like I’m not good enough. You’ve pushed me to the edge over and over again. You’d finally managed to push me over the cliff when you told me you didn’t love me anymore. I’ve spent so much time trying to climb up the side, gripping onto every loose rock, only to fall again every time I saw you.” Eggsy almost feels embarrassed to have this conversation in the middle of the dance floor. He almost feels guilty at Merlin’s face, crumpling with every sentence Eggsy speaks, a little pink in the cheeks as if he’s embarrassed himself. 

“I’m done.” He says, then turns away from the man and walks as fast as he can off the floor. He spots a dimly light hallway and sets his eyes on it, his only thought being  _ ‘don’t break, don’t give him the satisfaction.’  _

He’s so close, inches away from the privacy that will allow him to sob in peace, when suddenly Harry’s right in front of him. He has a bright smile on his face. Eggsy tries hard to give him one in return. 

“I don’t think we’ve properly met yet. I’m Harry Hart,” Once again a hand is being placed in front of him and he shakes it for just a second. “And you are?” 

“You know damn well who he is, Harry.” Eggsy hears Merlin’s voice behind him and can’t help himself as his shoulders tense. 

“Not in any official sense I don’t.” Merlin walks up so they’re all standing a foot away from each other, a triangle of men. “Honestly Merlin it’s your fault for denying me the pleasure of meeting this wonderful young man.” 

Merlin’s eyes narrow just a tad, his eyebrows furrowing as if to ask  _ “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”  _

Harry’s own face morphing into something vaguely innocent.  _ “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” _

Eggsy looks between them like a tennis match, not fully picking up on the full extent of their silent conversation. He finally has enough, deciding to ignore the tension and straightens himself out, shoulders spreading apart to hold himself up.

“Eggsy Unwin. Pleasure,” He bows his head towards Harry, accent proper like he had practiced weeks before. He’d made himself stand in front of the mirror, carefully forming his words to come out of his mouth crisp and prim. He hadn’t wanted to embarrass Merlin when the time came. He almost regretted doing so until Roxy had asked him to come with her, not wanting to be a chav on her arm he was grateful. Harry turns towards him, a small smile on his face and tips his own head in return. Eggsy sees Merlin’s surprised face out of the corner of his eye. 

“It’s a shame we hadn’t run into each other earlier in the evening. I’m afraid that there’s been a family emergency and I’m forced to leave the party a tad early.” Eggsy makes his excuse. Harry gives a knowing smile. 

“Of course. I hope all is well. Have a lovely evening, my boy.” He makes his escape at Harry’s words, towards the same corridor he had set his eyes on before. He’s barely keeping his posture, seconds away from collapsing when Merlin’s concerned face once again comes into view. Eggsy can’t keep track of him. 

“Is your mother alright?” Merlin grips onto his arm and whispers the question into his ear. 

“What?” 

“Your mother and Daisy. Are they alright? You said a family emergency.” 

Eggsy looks upwards and has the urge to smooth the crease in between Merlin’s eyebrow like he had done so many times before. To lean up and kiss the downturned corners of his mouth and tell him it was nothing to worry about. His brain still feels clouded with the onslaught of memories of before, the overwhelming waves in his chest knocking against his heart the longer he stands here trying to keep himself composed. 

_ ‘I just wanted to be alone so I can cry over you in peace _ ’ He thinks but doesn’t say. 

“They’re fine, it’s not a medical emergency.” He says. “They’re fine. I’m fine,” He feels the telltale signs of fat tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “It’s all fine,” His voice cracks on the last word and his breath gets caught in his chest. “I have to leave. I can’t be here.” 

“Eggsy wait!” Merlin grabs onto his arm and spins him back around, pulling him into his chest. Eggsy struggles to get away for a minute, before giving up and just melting into his arms, reveling in the warmth and comfort of an embrace he hadn’t felt in forever. 

“Before you walk away from me again, please let me explain.” He’s whispering the words into Eggsy’s hair line and he squeezes his eyes closed as the moisture finally breaks through and spills over his cheeks. “You deserve an explanation. Please.” 

Eggsy wants to say no. To walk away from him and leave the pain he’s been harboring in his heart at Merlin’s feet. To stop pretending that he’s okay and to be able to move on.

But he gives in instead. He needs an explanation and he doesn’t have the strength to go on without the truth. 

“Okay,” He says, nodding against the man’s chest. “Explain.” 

* / * \ *

“I work for an independant, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Kingsman”

“You’re a spy,”

“Of a sorts.” 

They had slipped away into an empty office space, a perfect spot that they would’ve loved to sneak away for a quick shag had the air between them not been so thick with tension. Eggsy leaned against the wall, Merlin across from him seated on the small desk towards the back of the room. Merlin had spent two hours answering every question Eggsy could ever have asked and held his shaking body through three panic attacks.

Eggsy’s trust hadn’t just been broken by Merlin’s lies, it had been shattered into a million pieces. It was like someone had come up behind him and pushed him down a never ending hole, one where he was spinning and trying to grab purchase and failing at every attempt. It was only made worse when he thought about every unexplained injury, the supposed robbery at the shop that had first started all this, how helpless he had felt in those moments. The feeling was only increasing as Merlin continued talking. 

“I almost never work in the field. I stay behind the scenes, supervising the operations to ensure that I can bring every agent back home. When Arthur gave me an assignment to track down a recent spike in gang activity that seemed to spread across the whole of London, it made me realise that no matter how much work I did behind the scenes -- I still very well could die.

Eggsy you have to understand that I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you here, of moving on to the next world without you by my side. At least not until we had spent so much more time together. Not until I was able to watch your hair turn grey and see the crows feet from your blinding smile become permanently etched onto your face.” Merlin’s left hand comes up to cradle his face. Eggsy leans into the touch. 

“When I thought about how there was a chance that I would be returning to field work, and coming home every day to lie and have you worry about my unexplained injuries. I didn’t want to reduce who I am and what we had to that level of slander and dishonesty. It would have been worse than death.” Merlin’s right hand comes up to join it’s counterpart, fingers scratching behind his ears and massaging where his neck and jaw met. Eggsy turns his head slightly to kiss the soft skin of Merlin’s inner wrist. 

“I forgive you,” He whispers. It’s quiet for a moment, the only sound being their harsh, painful breaths pushing in and out of their lungs. 

“You can’t possibly,” Merlin says in shock, his own words escaping on the tail end of a punched out breath. Eggsy pulls back from where he’s tucked into the hollow of Merlin’s collarbone, leaning up to gaze up at the mans face. 

“Merlin, I forgive you.” And there he sees it, the quiver of the man’s lips and the tightness in his jaw and cheeks. The wet, misty glaze his gorgeous ocean eyes have acquired. 

“Why? Why do you forgive me?!” Merlin’s voice is strained as he squeezes his eyes shut. He rips his hands away to cover his face. Eggsy’s heart climbs up his throat, resting right against the lump that’s been sitting there all night. He reaches his hands forwards, resting them on top of Merlin’s and waiting a moment before gently pushing them to the side to reveal his face. His eyes had already gone red and Eggsy could see the tiny pink splotches dotting across his cheeks, made more noticeable by the tear tracks trailing down to his neck. God, he was absolutely gorgeous. Even like this. 

“Because I love you Merlin.” Eggsy’s heart clenches as he says the word, feeling the return of his own tears. It had barely been ten minutes since he had last stopped crying and he felt his head pounding from the salt and dehydration. It was practically a dull ache compared to the feelings coiling sharply in his chest.

The fear of rejection hung over Eggsy’s head, the fear that Merlin still no longer loved him, would push him away one last time. That this whole confession was his need to be forgiven, to finally be able to move on from Eggsy. Or maybe he’d never needed to move on, maybe this was all born out of guilt for lying to him, for leaving him stranded in a place in his life where he felt if he took just one stop he would fall right through the thin ice. There’s another beat of silence and Eggsy moves to pull his hands away from the other man’s face. 

Merlin lets out a harsh sob and grips onto Eggsy’s fingers. 

“I love you. I love you so much and I’m sorry that I lied to you. I’m sorry that I made you feel unloved, like you weren’t enough.” They’re both crying in earnest now, clinging onto each other and Eggsy’s nodding, Merlin’s an inch away from his face. His eyes say it all, a desperate cry of ‘I love you, please believe me.’ 

“I believe you, love.” He says in response to the unspoken words. Merlin lets out another sob, this time accompanied by a timid smile and a strangled chuckle. “Tell me again,” He whispers. 

“I love you,” Merlin complies with Eggsy’s request, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. “I love you. I’m sorry. I love you,” He repeats into Eggsy’s hairline and he lets out a relieved sigh, smiling into Merlin’s chest. 

‘ _ He loves me _ .  _ I love him.’ _

“I missed being yours,” Eggsy says in reply. “Please let me be yours again.” 

“Oh god Eggsy, I couldn’t bare you being anyone else’s.” 

They still have so much left unsaid, so many questions still left unanswered. New problems that have popped up being blatantly ignored. Merlin’s a spy, a dangerous job that could very well cost him his life. It could cost Eggsy his life. Half formed thoughts swimming through the sea of emotions so high they can’t possibly make any rational decisions.

But they can figure all that out later. The only thing that matters is them tangled together, sharing each others body heat and feeling the waves of love washing over them. 

“Take me home, Merlin.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhh it's done!! Thank you so much for reading and leave a kudo or a comment if your enjoyed! 
> 
> You can see all the art in one place here: http://istillcantforgetyou.tumblr.com/post/176258584517/for-this-kingsman-big-bang-i-worked-with-the
> 
> The artist's tumblr: istillcantforgetyou 
> 
> My tumblr: kiingmango


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